Dwarf Jokes

As I find decent fantasy dwarf related jokes I'll put them up here.

Do you have a good joke? Then mail it to me - dammit!!

An Elf walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of dwarven drinkers. He says, "I hear you dwarves are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra stout back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the elf's offer. One dwarf even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same dwarf who left shows back up and taps the elf on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the dwarf.

The elf says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. Immediately the dwarf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the elf sits in amazement. The elf gives the dwarf the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The dwarf replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Warlock

Dwarves go to war.

Durin Ironshield of the iron hills pays a visit to the Elven King of Mirkwood.
"Sir", says Durin, "We have decided to go to war with ye."
The elven king looks incredulous, but takes war seriously.
"We?  Who is this we?", he says sternly.
"Well, that would be me, me brother Thorin, his son Durin, our cousins Olin and Golin, and our pop Thrain."
"My good Dwarf,  I have 1100 elves at my command that can be ready to move on a moment's notice.", says the king.
"Oh.", replies Durin. "Let me get back to ye on that."
The Dwarf leaves, but returns two days later.
"Ok king, I have rounded up two more cousins and we a few axes between us all."
"Sir Dwarf, I have 300 of the finest archers around, plus my royal guards are all spellsingers, armed with swords of sharpness."
"Oh, well, I see." The Dwarf lord thinks a bit. "Let me come back to ye."
And he leaves to return again in two days.
"Ok king, we have rounded up a few more swords and I think we are ready".
"You should know my good dwarf that I have since raised the size of my elven army to 1300."
"Ah fok!", and the dwarf leaves. He comes back the next day.
"Well king, I am afraid we have to call off the war."
"I am sorry to hear that.  Was it the power of my elven army to changed your mind?"
"Nah, I spoke to all my kin and we decided that we just did not have the room for 1300 prisoners."

Warlock

An elf is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a dwarf. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the elf doesn't get uncomfortable until the dwarf drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the dwarf, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the elf thanks the dwarf and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the elf is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The dwarf reaches out, gets a tight grip on the elf's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your platinum or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Dragoon J'riel an hiz tropps wur marchin' intae tha mountains ae Butcher Block, closin in on tha greatcity ae Kaladim. Az theybe roodin' a corner they heart a shoot from on top ae nearby hill. Lookin' up they see a dwarf what be standin' on tha hill callin' 'em names an such, grabbin himsel' an makin rude gestures at 'em. He shooted oot
"I be Kazon Stormhammer tha meenest, brawest dwarf wote'er lived. Nae match fer masel' ben' foun' in a' tha lands ae Norrath. Ye fookin' inkies can nae tooch a hair ae me beard. Get ye stinkin' pimply inkie arses oot ae me mountains."
Now tha Dragoon he got reel pissed at hearin' this an he shoots back intae hiz troops," Guard Taba go git me that dwarfs head." So up jumps guard Taba, he goes runnin' up tha hill an' soon can be heard tha soun' ae battle. The soun' ae steel on steel an' ae a sudden a loud "Plop". Down o'er tha hill comes rollin guard Taba's head, rolloin' ta the ver' feet ae the Dragoon. We' ol' J"riel neer has't a fit, he wuz totally pissed at wot had jus' happened.
When again they be hearin' tha dwarf shoot oot, "I be Kzon Stormhammer tha brawest dwarf wote'er walked tha mountains ae Butcher Block. Ye darkies shoult run ye little arse's back ta ye hame an hide 'for we come after ye. Ye all smell like dragon shite" an look like a Orc's arse."
That dragoon wuz furious he wuz stompin' an' a screamin' turnin' his skin all shades ae purple. He screamed oot,
"Corporal T'nath take four men an bring me that dwarfs private parts." So tha Corporal he grabbed hiz four men an up tha hill they run jumpin o'er the top an soon could be heart tha soun' ae battle, the cling an clang ae sword on shield. All at wance those below hear tha fam'lar soun' ae "Plop, Plop, Plop" an down tha hill wot come tha heads ae tha corporal an hiz men.
An up stands Kazon shooting at tha top ae hiz lungs, "I be Kazon Stormhammer tha dwarf of dwarves, slayer ae darkelves tha world o'er. All ye blue skinned fookers not e'en worth tha time it takes ta kill ye."
Well now ol' Dragoon J'riel almost pisset himsel'. He turnt' an screamed at hiz troops, "Get yur arse up there an get me that dwarfs head, all ae ye! Now!"
So up leapt all tha troops wot wuz left an they ran up tha hill soon enoug' could be heard tha soun's ae battle. The dragoon he coul' see blood an' limbs a flyin. When ae a sudden he spies a young guard come runnin' an' a slippin down tha hill fear in hiz eyes. Well J'Riel shoots oot,
Wot's the matter boy?" The guard shooted oot as he ran away, "There be two of 'em up there sir."

An elf, a human and a dwarf were enjoying a nice meal when a fight breaks out in the common room of a tavern.
The human immediately stood up and said. "Come friends, let's join this fight and toss them out."

The elf placed a hand on the human's arm and said, "We shouldn't fight unless we have to. Leave them alone."

The dwarf just sat and watched the fight go on.
tables were overturned, chairs were thrown and the fight just kept on going until all of a sudden, the dwarf growls and launches himself into the fray. In a matter of seconds he's beat up and thrown out all the combatants and has sat back at his chair.

His two companions sit rather stunned and look at him. Finally the human asks, "What came over you?"

Just then a serving wench arrives with the Dwarf's tankard of Ale and says, "Thanks, I thought I'd never get your drinks here because of that fight."

- Submitted by Simeron

Although not specific to Dwarves. This MP3 is a very funny spoof of a D&D game.
Click here to Download the MP3 (2.8 M) 

(Submitted by Koke Blackhammer)

"Fortunately, I was wearing my armor."

"..The DM has a pet Hamster, doesn't he?.."

Silvara Ironside is home making dinner, as usual, when Simeron arrives at her door. "Silvara, may Aye come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' tae tell yer."

"Of course ya can come in, you're always welcome, Simeron. But
where's me husband?"

"That's what Aye'm here tae be tellin' yer, Silvara. There was
an accident doon at da Dwarf Ale brewery..."

"Oh, Gods no!" cries Silvara. "Please don' tell me..."

"I must, Silvara. Yer husband Gort is dead and goon. Aye'm
sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Simeron. "How did it happen, Simeron?"

"It was terrible, Silvara. He fell into a vat uv "Bugman's 5X Extra Stout" Brew and drowned."

"Oh blessed Brell! But yer must tell me true, Simeron. Did he
at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Silvara... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got oot three times to pee."

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.

The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it.
The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp.
The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over his glass and screams "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!!

An Elf, a Gnome and a Dwarf are standing side-by-side at the urinal.

The elf finishes and proceeds to wash his hands. He is scrubbing and washing his hands clear up to his elbows. He turns to the other two and comments: Our Elders have taught us Elves to be clean.

The Gnome finishes his business and he quickly wets the tips of his fingers and comments: Our Druid Elders have taught us Gnomes to be conservative of natures resources.

The Dwarf finishes his business and heads straight for the door, He turns and comments: Our Elders have taught us Dwarves how not to piss on our hands.

A famous band of dwarven adventurers were sitting in a temple talking amongst themselves when one of the dwarfs stood up: "Father Cleric, are there any dwarf nuns in this church?", said Bashful.
"No, there aren't any dwarf nuns in this church." the Father Cleric replied.
So the dwarf sat back down and they continued to talk amongst themselves when another dwarf stood up: "Father Cleric, are there any dwarf nuns in this town?", asked Grumpy.
"No, I don't believe there are.", the Father Cleric replied.
The dwarf sat down and there was continued discussion amongst the dwarfs when another dwarf stood up: "Father Cleric, are there any dwarf nuns in this country?", asked Sleepy.
"No, as a matter of fact I don't believe there are any dwarf nuns in this country.", the Father Cleric replied.
The dwarf sat back down and there was much laughter.
The Cleric approached the group and asked "Why do you laugh so?"
And the dwarfs replied "Dopey fucked a penguin!"